westerneventsandweddings.com

My mother, who’s in her early 60s and lives alone, has a problem: She’s too dependent. Every time she has a minor ailment — which is about twice a week — she expects me to rush over and get her groceries, tidy up her apartment, and drive her places. I’m happy to help out when she’s really sick, but I often feel obligated to make the two-hour round trip to her apartment whenever she demands it. I’ve suggested that she ask friends for help, but she refuses. I’m tired of feeling guilty, and I’m worried that this pattern will only get worse as she gets older.
Your mother isn’t the one with the problem. She’s clear about what she wants, and she asks for it. You have the problem, which is not to say that you’re to blame for the situation but simply that you’re unhappy with it — and if you don’t do something about it, no one else will.

You’re not alone in trying to sort through these difficult issues. Women, in particular, are expected to care for the needs of other family members, even when they themselves are exhausted, overloaded, and short on support. But if you continue to give in to your mother’s demands and then blame her for being difficult, you’re right-the situation is only likely to get worse.

I wish I could tell you that the answer was simply a matter of your being more assertive, or just saying no. But there are big questions here, questions that don’t necessarily have clear-cut answers. Who can define a daughter’s responsibility to her mother — or to herself? When is a woman being selfish, and when is she taking care of her needs? Is it worse to say yes and feel angry, or say no and feel guilty?

You need to figure out the values and beliefs that make sense for you, then behave accordingly. Your frustration signals that you are doing more than feels comfortable, so start setting some limits. First, choose one small instance and stand your ground (“Mom, I’m coming over next Sunday, and I’d be glad to do whatever shopping you need on my way. But I can’t see you before then. I’m sorry.”)

Don’t expect her to applaud the changes you make; introduce new steps to an old dance, and you can depend on your mother to make a countermove to reinstate the status quo. She may become even more difficult, but if you view her behavior as a barometer of her anxiety, you might have an easier time keeping your cool. At sixty-something, she may feel frightened of the future and at a loss about how to stay connected other than by asking for help. It’s your job to calmly state your position without distancing yourself. In fact, it’s a good idea to increase your contact through brief phone calls just to reassure your mother that you’ll always stay in touch with her — even if you’re not the one doing her errands.

Let your mother know what you can and can’t do while keeping in mind that over time, your feelings about the situation may change, so you’ll want to stand firmly (but not rigidly) behind your plan of action. If possible, enlist the help of other family members. As your mother’s dependency increases, you’ll both need more support.

Though your mother may try, neither she nor anyone else can make you feel guilty. Your emotions are your responsibility, as are your decisions about what you will and won’t do. If your mother gets angry, it’s her job to learn to manage her own feelings.