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New Zealand Prime Minister, Helen Clark, is soon to meet with US President, George W. Bush in an effort to learn, once and for all, how New Zealand SAS troops got to Afghanistan. While early suspicion naturally enough pointed to the crafty Australians – who have cut New Zealand out of a co-hosting role for the rugby World Championship – there is mounting suspicion that the US itself may have been involved. Ms. Clark confirmed that her government is investigating one particularly troublesome rumor.

“I do intend to ask Mr. Bush if, under the guise of abducting and transporting terrorists aboard private, leased aircraft, he has actually authorized the transport of allied troops into Afghanistan,” she said.

Bush, meanwhile, is busily at work with advisors who hope that by the time of the meeting, he will know where New Zealand is located.

“He’s getting closer,” a senior official acknowledged. “He can now find Indonesia.”

US Attorney General John Ashcroft became upset during his latest press conference when the discreet drape that covers the male statue at the Justice Department slipped. It served once more to point up the problem that, delicately put, there is really no place to hang the drape.

“What the heck is it with these sculptors and naked people?” Ashcroft was heard to say. “They think the human body is beautiful or something? I mean, would you want to see me out here conducting these press conferences in the raw? – Hello? Where did everybody go?”

Once he was able to persuade the gathered media that he did not intend to strip and they had returned, he defended his decision thusly.

“It’s less psychologically traumatizing to visitors. I mean, guys come in here and see this one statue and they’re constantly running people down, not looking where they’re going. I don’t know how many times I’ve run smack dab into somebody.”

He also pointed out how draping the statues saves women psychological damage, pointing out,

“this statue is, what? About seventy years old? You ever see a seventy year old woman with you-know-whats like that one the statue was showing? Uh-uh. No way. Most women that age, if they’ve got those things worth looking at, well, that’s just the point. They’re not worth looking at because the woman can tuck ‘em in her waist band.”

Ashcroft concluded the press conference by refusing to play Monte Hall in “Let’s Make a Deal” when one new media member wanted to trade his microphone for a peek at “what’s behind curtain number one.”

From Zimbabwe, newly “re-elected” President Robert Mugabe has announced that his new “zero crime tolerance” is based upon an old US television show: It Takes a Thief.

“Who better to recognize both criminals and criminal activities?” said His Excellency.

Finally, violence flared anew between Palestinians and Israelis in the Middle East over whether or not US envoy Anthony Zinni’s visit had contributed to peace prospects. The Israelis, this time firing in self-defense, said it had. The Palestinians, taking the offensive, said it had not. A senior Israeli official admitted that his government’s optimistic assessment of Zinni’s visit had been based on the narrow view that,

“no one shot directly at General Zinni during his entire visit.”